This is probably the largest painting I have made to date. At about 75 x 60 cm it is not huge by any means but it is at the outside of my comfort zone with oil painting. This image was based on a small invented landscape I did months ago. The photo – snapped with my iPhone in my studio – unfortunately does not do it much justice.
I am back in South Africa for some time, assisting with the memorial service for my father. Sifting through old boxes of keepsakes, deciding what to keep and what to give or throw away – it feels like I am moving though thick liquid.
Jet lag aside, the strange drifts of sadness and melancholy that sweeps my heart during the day makes me feel strangely alive and desperately tired at the same time. I recall reading about the painter Constable’s sadness after losing his wife. He wrote something like: “All is desolate and dark – still, the darkness is magnificent!”.
Perhaps these are the sort of things one should keep private; act like a ‘grown man’ in the spirit of Rilke’s poem:
But the grown man shudders and is silent. The man who has wandered pathless at night in the mountain-range of his feelings: is silent.
But I keep imagining someone coming across a blog post like this one – much as one finds a message in a bottle on the beach, and finding a strange comfort in it. And the thought of someone being comforted by my experience, gives me comfort too.
Lying awake at 2 am, I think again of Pessoa and his wonderful prose. He wrote:
To shrug off all duties, even those not assigned to us, to repudiate all homes, even those that weren’t ours, to live off vestiges and the ill-defined, in grand purple robes of madness and in imitation laces of dreamed majesties … To be something, anything, that doesn’t feel the weight of the rain outside, nor the anguish of inner emptiness … To wander without thought or soul – sensation without sensation – along mountain roads and through valleys hidden between steep slopes, into the far distance, irrevocably immersed … To be lost in landscapes that are like paintings … A colourful non-being in the distance …
Pessoa, Fernando. The Book of Disquiet (Penguin Modern Classics)
Before my flight to South Africa, I wrote a friend and gallery owner who had invited me to exhibit at his gallery. I told him about the death of my father and asked to postpone our planning for the exhibit.
Wisely, he said not to worry about the practicalities but to focus on getting closure. He also mentioned: “when you return you may find your painting style had changed”. I am thinking that might actually happen.
To get closer to the truth, closer to that strange melody of caution and hesitation that has never left since childhood – if I cannot get that to show in a painting, why bother? What a wonderful opportunity to delve into the heart and love the questions inside.
Thanks for visiting. I hope you are happy and content.
I’m so sorry to learn of your father’s passing. I hope you find your heart filled with healing memories.
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Thanks so much Aletha, your message is much appreciated.
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The paintings are beautiful. It’s wonderful that you have the gallery experience ahead, to have this really positive thing in the future. And your art can change and grow.
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The “large” painting at the outside of your comfort zone is superb. It has a visual rhythm to it that the others don’t have. Keep going!
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I am sorry about your father and I agree with your friend, I do believe that life and art is very much entwined. Beautiful paintings 🙂
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Thank you Margaret, it is always good to hear from you. I see you are quite active on Instagram – looks like your creativity is booming – I hope you get lots of joy from it!
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sorrow fills and floods, ebbs and tides; there will, come a wash of light.
I’m sorry to hear of your dad’s passing Fritz. be kind to yourself my friend. your post truly is a comfort to many of us, thank you for sharing.
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Thanks so much Debi, I can sense you message comes from your kind heart and it is very much appreciated.
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yes, cheers! 🙂
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sorry I didnt mean cheers, quite like, That. I was going to write hugs, then switched to cheers …. rolling my eyes at self….
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No worries Debi – I understood Australian keyboards automatically insert “Cheers” after every message 🙂
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Very nice
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Sending you a hug in my mind.
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Thanks Dawn
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A lovely post filled with such love and the uplifting sorrow that comes with loss and reflection and the acceptance of this transient life. That it will deepen your art I have no doubt.
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Thanks so much Deborah
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Impressionistic was my first impression… Harrharr
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Your paintings are beautiful and I love your treatment of the sky in each one. So sorry about your father’s passing. I can’t imagine that day in my own life.
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Thanks so much for your kind comment Sheri, and apologies for my late reply – I have been a but too busy to tend to my blog of late!
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“This is probably the largest painting I have made to date. At about 75 x 60 cm it is not huge by any means but it is at the outside of my comfort zone with oil painting.”
I really would love to see something by you on a large(r) scale. I know I love the intimacy and involvement of your small-scale painting, but I have in my mind’s eye a moving image of you stretching and exercising your arms, freeing your shoulder and neck muscles, to paint something that the eye has to move over to appreciate. This has (I suppose) a lot to do with my love of your skies. It may at first feel outside your comfort zone, but that discomfort in itself may produce something dynamic.
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Wow Marie – you have left so many thoughtful comments recently I don’t know where to start! Maybe I should start by saying simply “Thanks so much!!”.
The issue with painting large vs small is a deep one for me. Short Haiku vs Epic Poem type of stuff. I get what you say about large swinging movement of arms. I feel drawn to that also. I am hoping over time I will slowly grow into being comfortable to paint larger.
To be honest, one of the constraints is just where to keep it. The paintings stand around and take lots of space. Small intimate paintings can go into a box!
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Tell you what – I’ll become famous, get rich, and buy the Chateau D’Antibes for you! 😉
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Its a Deal!
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